Hiatus

Long time, no type.

The truth is, I have no energy. I have not even enough to keep up with work, let alone spend any time writing anything. I used to be such a good writer, too. Now it’s all I can do to put a sentence together. My friend has really stepped up challenging the ED thinking (in a good way) and when I asked her why, she mentioned that she’s beginning to fear I’m hitting a wall physically, that I’m out of reserves and burning through critical stuff.

I have been eating a maintenance amount of calories for 2 weeks. I had hoped it would boost my energy, but it doesn’t seem to be; if anything I feel more tired and achy and wiped. I’ve tried a couple of times to eat more, as if to gain, but…it felt like giving something up. Leaving something behind. And I did it impulsively, so it felt totally unplanned and not in control. My original plan sort of fell through (the one of being with my friend the first day I did it) so it’s either wait until the next time we can get together, or do it solo. It seems kicking it off solo isn’t working. At times I think a treatment program to help me physically stabilize would be immensely helpful, but I also think it would help me hide away. Not to mention taking the time off work would be near impossible.

I’m trying to focus on the positive, that I upped my intake and seem to be doing ok with it. I began exercising half an hour 3 days a week, and compensating for the burned calories, and it does seem to be making eating easier, like moving around some means I deserve to eat. I get that it’s walking a fine line, and I have providers and friends that are freaking about it, but I do feel so long as I keep it to half an hour 3 days a week, it’s not too risky (although I do know linking ability to eat to exercise is a little twisted).

I will read other blogs soon, to catch up. I miss a sense of others who truly get it, even if it was only for a short while.

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Smoothie!

It’s a bit early for a ‘what I ate’ post, but I’ve just had an insane weekend for eating. Cinnamon rolls, and then today I made this peanut butter oatmeal smoothie (peanut butter, cocoa, oats, almond milk, and then i substituted some maple syrup for the honey, all blended with ice.) It was DIVINE, I tell you. I used to love Friendly’s peanut butter cup friend-z’s with chocolate soft serve in my dairy-eating days and this hearkened back a bit.

I’m getting ready to weight restore. Or to move towards it. I’ve been racking my brain for non-dairy ways to eat high calorie foods because the typical milkshake idea won’t work for me. I also want it to be healthy. This is relatively healthy, not too filling as an add on, and pretty darned tasty. Of course, my downstairs neighbors will hate me for the blender, but…

Other than that…life is ok. I’m beating myself up a lot, over everything. I’ve made a few legitimate mistakes that I think I deserve to be burned at the stake for. I’m nervous about going back to work this week, and I feel huge due to the food I ate this weekend (my nephew also baked a special dessert for the family, and so I had to have some of that, too, and God only knows how many calories that was. It’s been a bakery weekend). I keep having to breathe myseldf through it. Just keep breathing.

And Friday, if I am brave, bumping up my intake.

Progress and Fun (Crazy?) Plans

The good news is the past couple of days I managed to eat my calorie goal without restricting. Monday really scared me, and even being exhausted with aching legs yesterday scared me. Others are beginning to notice my exhaustion, too, and that freaks me. So I’ve used it to shoot higher, and have gotten within 50 calories of my goal. Yay! It’s hard, but I’m hoping I can keep up momentum. Real physical signs of malnutrition showing up have historically scared me for a bit and then I’ve gotten back to food scaring me, but maybe this is a turning point as it is beginning to affect my work life badly.

I’ve been excitedly prepping, or attempting to prep, for my upcoming camping trip, aka my ‘I just need a freaking break and for everyone to leave me alone” trip. It has the potential to be an utter disaster – it’s my first solo camping trip ever – but I am hopeful I can figure things out. The biggest thing has been figuring out food that does not need to be cooked, and will not go bad, and that I will eat, to lessen the temptation to further restrict. I think I am getting places with that.

I am camping in a campground – as a woman alone it just feels safer that way, with others around. I feel like I will sleep better (and am working on how to intruder-proof my tent). But it’s a fairly rustic campground, so I’ve already got my Mountain Suds ready to shower without driving up the road. My biggest concern has been water for coffee – I could mix Starbucks Via in water, but if the nights get chilly it might be nice to have something warm to wake up to. I don’t own a camping stove, and since I don’t know if this will become a ‘thing’ I don’t want to spend lots of money on one. I’ve had the suggestion of a percolator over a fire. I was trying to sort of avoid the need for a fire as I am not particularly confident in my fire abilities – I’ve pitched a tent on my own, but not had the best fire success. But I could bring a small pan with me and attempt to heat water in that if I manage to pull off a fire. Via mixed with warm water over a fire might not be bad. And I could bring some packets of oatmeal. And if it doesn’t work, well…it doesn’t work.

Winging camping is sort of risky. I probably sound naive and crazy in the above paragraph. I am well aware this could blow up in my face, 4 hours from home. We’ll see. I won’t know unless I try, right? And try to learn from the experience. And no worries, I won’t hike alone, just sit by some streams and think and write. Well, in my best-case-scenario-fantasy I will, anyways. I leave Saturday.

That’s pretty much my life.

Social contact

Today I spent the day with a dear friend I’ve known for many years. We walked around and ate 3 meals together and talked for a good long while.

I ate, all day. I had a half of a plate-sized buttermilk pancake and 2.5 slices of bacon for breakfast. I had an ear of corn with Olivio, 2 pieces of PB toast on oatmeal bread, and some snap peas for lunch. I had a Luna bar for a snack, and then brown rice, snap peas, and a cucumber at dinner. Then almonds and PB crackers. I ate all but the last two slowly, but with the distraction of conversation relatively pain free. And I felt the oddness of my calorie-checking, although the hold is strong enough over me that I read labels. Still, although I read the labels, I didn’t entirely keep a running commentary of calorie counting in my head as I ate. I ate to be social. i think that’s progress, even if I have no idea if my portions were adequate.

I felt the oddness of the entire situation. My friend gets eating disorders, but I think finds it hard to believe I could be struggling as hard with this one as I am. It seems out of the blue, odd for it to pop up in my twenties. And since I can explain what is going on to a certain point, I don’t think she really understands how hard it is for me to choose to eat. Or maybe as another friend said my position is getting less and less defensible and I am just feeling that tension. So I enjoyed the day, but also felt isolated in my struggle.

Then, on the way home, that voice that loves to comment on my life told me all about how I stayed too long, she just tolerates me, I wasn’t entertaining enough, I talked too much, I didn’t thank her profusely enough, no one actually likes me, I’m a complete idiot to be caught in this ED thing and she thinks I am a freak, etc. Strong urges to cut or restrict because I am, in my head, such a horrible person and undeserving of 3 meals and company provided by another. This is a running theme, that people just are kind enough to tolerate me.

She understands awkwardness, and overclarifying, so I might try to clarify with her that really it’s in my head. I think that’s the way to fight this thing. But I’m not certain yet.

 

I had a long drive home, and am tired. Came home to find my sorbet had begun to thaw in my freezer (is it broken? I dont know. It’s still spewing cold air, but things are mushy. First apartment = much confusion) and had subsequently leaked down into the fridge and across the kitchen floor. Cleaned that up, contemplating a glass of wine. And just…working out the tension, but also feeling really stupid for being stuck in this ED thing.

Harsh reality

I went to my primary care provider’s office this week to be weighed, and it was sobering. It seems my therapist has gotten word to them and this time I was actually treated like an ED patient, standing on the scale backwards. Until now I had the option to know my weight. And just…it was out in the open. I didn’t really like it, at all. It’s a shift, and annoying to the ED voice because although I normally ask not to know my weight, I REALLY wanted to look this time. Probably for all the wrong reasons, but I did. I don’t know. It shook me a bit, all of it, and made all of this ED treatment seem like ED treatment, and seem real, and seem serious.

That’s probably fair. I’ve not been keeping up this week, I have been restricting. I think I have lost weight. Some of it is, I think, that I know the idea is when when my friend comes back from vacation I will try to gain, and so I am trying to lose before that kicks in.

I AM sad about my friend being away. She is a source of support, a ready source of support, and not having her to easily turn to is going to be really, really challenging. She leaves tomorrow. And we did have a conversation about the losing weight, and she challenged me that if I get into weight loss/heavy restricting mode, I am digging myself further into a hole. I tried to talk about how I was apathetic on wanting to eat, and she replied, “I know too much about this for you to pull that over on me. It is not that you don’t care. You know what you’re doing, so stop trying to manipulate the situation and your interpretation. Part of you wants to lose weight. Part of you wants to not eat as a way to cope with your problems and stressors. You’ve said that to me. Own what it is, and if you make that choice then it is your choice, but I’m not going to let you manipulate or pretend it’s not a choice.’ It was hard to hear. But she’s probably right. She also said she seems me slipping further and further away, emotionally and physically shrinking, and it’s hard to see even my personality slip away. It was an intense conversation. I feel horribly that this affects her, and tried to tell her to go away because she didn’t sign on for this when we became friends. She told me she doesn’t choose out of friendships and that she is not going to go away. That scares me.

I keep waiting for the day I no longer want to restrict as the day I will start to gain, but I’m beginning to think the day I never want to restrict again is a long time coming, or may never come again. I am losing my will to try to get better from this and that scares me, I need to kick in and begin to fight before I lose the ability altogether. I need to find the will and desire to fight to get better, to care, to accept my life is worth living. That’s my goal for this week – to get back to what I believe is a maintenance level, and identify my reasons for fighting.

Disappearing

I’m sure at one point I had a me.

A person with interests, like, goals, dreams. A person with a strong body and the ability to use it.

But others around me didn’t like that me. They thought she was wrong about what she wanted to do, about what she should do. They thought she needed to never bend, never break, always support. They thought she needed to be feminine, demure.

And so she’s been slowly disappearing and weakening for years upon years under the pressure, the opinions. Based on her genuine desire to please, to make others happy, to bend. Until now she’s wasting away almost to nothing, her strong body weakening, her frame disappearing.

I used to be a strong athlete. That’s one thing that kills me as I shrink, knowing I am losing that strength. For a while I thought it was sad that even fighting for that wasn’t enough to tame the ED, but now I wonder if that’s a piece of the fight – do I want to be the strong capable one, or do I want to be petite, diminutive, weak, so others won’t ask anything of me?

Yesterday being weak won, but I’m going to try to make today different.

I did read a good quote though: ‘I will feed myself and fight this illness, not feed this illness and fight myself.’

Perfection, or lack thereof

Today I totally blew something at work.

I felt like an idiot. Angry at myself, really. All I could think was – see? You’re behind already, and now this. You are just horrible at life, and people are going to hate you, and this is totally inexcusable. How could you mess up like this? You’re just a complete screwup. I truly wanted to go home, lay down, and never wake up.

It sort of ties in with a lot of my history, which I have been thinking a lot about lately, and how it ties in with my current issues. Perfectionism plays a huge role in this current eating thing. Like, I feel like if I eat too much, I’m losing some game in which winning is eating as little as possible. If I go to the store and anything at all is too small for me, I feel like I’m a failure somehow. Like I’m losing the game of sizes because I cannot fit inside every piece of clothing in the store. The only perfect weight is the low weight I have not attained. I have to be the best at not eating, disappearing, being small.

This has deep roots. My entire life, I have been in a pressure cooker. My parents used to yell at me for grades below an A. When I had a B- in history, my mother was ashamed to have me as a daughter. When I had a B+ in math, I was lazy, I got yelled at, I was not living up to expectations, I was failing at the job of being a student. when I didn’t want to go to Vassar or Bryn Mawr or Harvard or Johns Hopkins, I wasn’t living up to the standard of attending a good college. When I didn’t get the highest award possible at the awards ceremony, I didn’t get congratulated for the award I DID receive, I got criticized for not getting a good enough award. When I didn’t play my best at soccer, I wasn’t living up to the amount of money being spent to put me on the team. I don’t think my mother told me she was proud of me until I was 19 or 20, and still when I graduated college cum laude the question was why not higher.

And it was global. I took the SAT at 12, and I got a good score, and that score haunted me. I wasn’t living up to the potential I tested at. I wasn’t making the right choices to fully live that out. No one bothered to ask why I wasn’t acing school when they thought I would (and by ‘acing’ I mean all A’s including in AP classes). They just yelled. Maybe had they asked, we would have noticed my bipolar, my stress, my cutting years early. I wasn’t allowed an off day, a bad test, without being criticized, punished, yelled at. Who in life doesn’t have bad days or make mistakes? And yet I wasn’t allowed? I was failing as a student, a person, a daughter? Nothing, no matter what I tried, was good enough. It’s a wonder i kept trying.

And so now, in my head, nothing is good enough. I learned the script, I absorbed the rules, I no longer need reminders because I do it myself. And when I mess up, I am a failure who never lives up to her potential, always underperforms. When I am not the best at everything, I am a failure.

When I eat, I am a failure. If I gain weight, I am a failure. If I cook toast wrong, I am a failure. If I mistakenly forget to clean a dish, I am a failure. There is nothing I do in my life that I am not at risk for being a failure at; each day is brimming with new possibilities and opportunities to prove that I am not and never will be good enough.

Well, there is one thing I AM perfect at. Knowing I am a failure.