Hiatus

Long time, no type.

The truth is, I have no energy. I have not even enough to keep up with work, let alone spend any time writing anything. I used to be such a good writer, too. Now it’s all I can do to put a sentence together. My friend has really stepped up challenging the ED thinking (in a good way) and when I asked her why, she mentioned that she’s beginning to fear I’m hitting a wall physically, that I’m out of reserves and burning through critical stuff.

I have been eating a maintenance amount of calories for 2 weeks. I had hoped it would boost my energy, but it doesn’t seem to be; if anything I feel more tired and achy and wiped. I’ve tried a couple of times to eat more, as if to gain, but…it felt like giving something up. Leaving something behind. And I did it impulsively, so it felt totally unplanned and not in control. My original plan sort of fell through (the one of being with my friend the first day I did it) so it’s either wait until the next time we can get together, or do it solo. It seems kicking it off solo isn’t working. At times I think a treatment program to help me physically stabilize would be immensely helpful, but I also think it would help me hide away. Not to mention taking the time off work would be near impossible.

I’m trying to focus on the positive, that I upped my intake and seem to be doing ok with it. I began exercising half an hour 3 days a week, and compensating for the burned calories, and it does seem to be making eating easier, like moving around some means I deserve to eat. I get that it’s walking a fine line, and I have providers and friends that are freaking about it, but I do feel so long as I keep it to half an hour 3 days a week, it’s not too risky (although I do know linking ability to eat to exercise is a little twisted).

I will read other blogs soon, to catch up. I miss a sense of others who truly get it, even if it was only for a short while.

Smoothie!

It’s a bit early for a ‘what I ate’ post, but I’ve just had an insane weekend for eating. Cinnamon rolls, and then today I made this peanut butter oatmeal smoothie (peanut butter, cocoa, oats, almond milk, and then i substituted some maple syrup for the honey, all blended with ice.) It was DIVINE, I tell you. I used to love Friendly’s peanut butter cup friend-z’s with chocolate soft serve in my dairy-eating days and this hearkened back a bit.

I’m getting ready to weight restore. Or to move towards it. I’ve been racking my brain for non-dairy ways to eat high calorie foods because the typical milkshake idea won’t work for me. I also want it to be healthy. This is relatively healthy, not too filling as an add on, and pretty darned tasty. Of course, my downstairs neighbors will hate me for the blender, but…

Other than that…life is ok. I’m beating myself up a lot, over everything. I’ve made a few legitimate mistakes that I think I deserve to be burned at the stake for. I’m nervous about going back to work this week, and I feel huge due to the food I ate this weekend (my nephew also baked a special dessert for the family, and so I had to have some of that, too, and God only knows how many calories that was. It’s been a bakery weekend). I keep having to breathe myseldf through it. Just keep breathing.

And Friday, if I am brave, bumping up my intake.

Radio Silence

This week I spent a lot of time sitting here.

I had other fun photos to show, but they’re on my ipod and it’s in my car. But the short version isĀ  I sat here, and I ate a lot of baked beans, pita, peanut butter and bread, luna bars, nuts, and….oatmeal! cooked over my own campfire!

Then, I had my adorable-yet-handful-nephews come to stay, and we made homemade cinnamon rolls, and I had one yesterday and one today. So it’s been a rockin week for recovery, tackling scary foods (baked beans, cinnamon rolls) and today eating without too much fear! It’s also been not a rockin week for sleep and energy, hence the radio silence. But I’ll take it.

Will check blogs soon, hopefully tomorrow, hopefully after solid sleep.

Creative eating

Trying to plan food for a camping trip when you have an eating disorder and half of your safe foods are cooked and vegetable….and you won’t have refrigeration and you doubt your ability to create a fire….is challenging. Especially because the eating disorder has been winning in a huge way this week and I really want to turn that around. So part of me is like ‘you need to make sure you pack enough food’ and the other part is like ‘No! Don’t pack that much! You might eat it all!”. And who was buying the lowest calorie version of EVERYTHING?

Tricky. But I really really need to turn this whole thing around; my coworkers are commenting on my weight again and I fear my secret is nearly out, although some are attributing it to stress. I’m hoping against hope it will be enough to convince me to eat to maintain. The voice telling me it’s weak to eat, I’m fat, I need to lose weight, etc is so loud…. but C at work has nothing but concern in her eyes, and I know she has no reason to lie.

At any rate, i am hoping for peace, quiet, and space. It will taste so good, if it works.

Social contact

Today I spent the day with a dear friend I’ve known for many years. We walked around and ate 3 meals together and talked for a good long while.

I ate, all day. I had a half of a plate-sized buttermilk pancake and 2.5 slices of bacon for breakfast. I had an ear of corn with Olivio, 2 pieces of PB toast on oatmeal bread, and some snap peas for lunch. I had a Luna bar for a snack, and then brown rice, snap peas, and a cucumber at dinner. Then almonds and PB crackers. I ate all but the last two slowly, but with the distraction of conversation relatively pain free. And I felt the oddness of my calorie-checking, although the hold is strong enough over me that I read labels. Still, although I read the labels, I didn’t entirely keep a running commentary of calorie counting in my head as I ate. I ate to be social. i think that’s progress, even if I have no idea if my portions were adequate.

I felt the oddness of the entire situation. My friend gets eating disorders, but I think finds it hard to believe I could be struggling as hard with this one as I am. It seems out of the blue, odd for it to pop up in my twenties. And since I can explain what is going on to a certain point, I don’t think she really understands how hard it is for me to choose to eat. Or maybe as another friend said my position is getting less and less defensible and I am just feeling that tension. So I enjoyed the day, but also felt isolated in my struggle.

Then, on the way home, that voice that loves to comment on my life told me all about how I stayed too long, she just tolerates me, I wasn’t entertaining enough, I talked too much, I didn’t thank her profusely enough, no one actually likes me, I’m a complete idiot to be caught in this ED thing and she thinks I am a freak, etc. Strong urges to cut or restrict because I am, in my head, such a horrible person and undeserving of 3 meals and company provided by another. This is a running theme, that people just are kind enough to tolerate me.

She understands awkwardness, and overclarifying, so I might try to clarify with her that really it’s in my head. I think that’s the way to fight this thing. But I’m not certain yet.

 

I had a long drive home, and am tired. Came home to find my sorbet had begun to thaw in my freezer (is it broken? I dont know. It’s still spewing cold air, but things are mushy. First apartment = much confusion) and had subsequently leaked down into the fridge and across the kitchen floor. Cleaned that up, contemplating a glass of wine. And just…working out the tension, but also feeling really stupid for being stuck in this ED thing.

Disappearing

I’m sure at one point I had a me.

A person with interests, like, goals, dreams. A person with a strong body and the ability to use it.

But others around me didn’t like that me. They thought she was wrong about what she wanted to do, about what she should do. They thought she needed to never bend, never break, always support. They thought she needed to be feminine, demure.

And so she’s been slowly disappearing and weakening for years upon years under the pressure, the opinions. Based on her genuine desire to please, to make others happy, to bend. Until now she’s wasting away almost to nothing, her strong body weakening, her frame disappearing.

I used to be a strong athlete. That’s one thing that kills me as I shrink, knowing I am losing that strength. For a while I thought it was sad that even fighting for that wasn’t enough to tame the ED, but now I wonder if that’s a piece of the fight – do I want to be the strong capable one, or do I want to be petite, diminutive, weak, so others won’t ask anything of me?

Yesterday being weak won, but I’m going to try to make today different.

I did read a good quote though: ‘I will feed myself and fight this illness, not feed this illness and fight myself.’

Down days

It’s been a hard couple of days.

I broke my not-eating spree with eating a decent amount of calories last night and today. And I just feel sad about it, or sad in general. Some of it is thinking about the reasons I am perfectionist in the first place (probably will be a blog post at some point, but it’s late tonight) and just – hurting for the younger me who had so much pressure put on her and ended up internalizing it. I feel sad because I can’t concentrate, I feel sad because I am lonely, I feel sad because I am feeling the weight of all of the work it is seeming it will take to pull out of this, I feel sad looking at the history of how long this eating disorder has been creeping up on me. I just feel sad. And a little angry and moody.

It also might be I need some pressure on my body. I’ve been looking into sensory defensiveness stuff lately. I am definitely sensory defensive, and have known this for years, but am just finding out it can affect more than just the type of clothing you can tolerate wearing or the variety of foods you are willing to eat, it can actually affect mood and behavior and physical tension. I can’t afford OT, but I have been trying some basic OT techniques when I get really physically wound up, like curling up in a blanket. It seems to help, so maybe will do some of that as well to combat the anger and aggressiveness.

The good news is my trip into the city was all i’d hoped for, it just was also a lot of exercise and a day of under-eating….but the break and time to think rocked. One step at a time. I just feel like – I am not keeping up my life, and its beginning to overwhelm. I just want someone to sit and help me re-organize like my favorite teacher used to do in high school periodically when my notebooks got out of control. And I want to be able to eat without hating myself.

One step at a time. I just keep telling myself that.

It seems insane to think of beginning to gain weight in 3 weeks when I cant even manage to maintain my weight now…