This week I spent a lot of time sitting here.
I had other fun photos to show, but they’re on my ipod and it’s in my car. But the short version is I sat here, and I ate a lot of baked beans, pita, peanut butter and bread, luna bars, nuts, and….oatmeal! cooked over my own campfire!
Then, I had my adorable-yet-handful-nephews come to stay, and we made homemade cinnamon rolls, and I had one yesterday and one today. So it’s been a rockin week for recovery, tackling scary foods (baked beans, cinnamon rolls) and today eating without too much fear! It’s also been not a rockin week for sleep and energy, hence the radio silence. But I’ll take it.
Will check blogs soon, hopefully tomorrow, hopefully after solid sleep.
Trying to plan food for a camping trip when you have an eating disorder and half of your safe foods are cooked and vegetable….and you won’t have refrigeration and you doubt your ability to create a fire….is challenging. Especially because the eating disorder has been winning in a huge way this week and I really want to turn that around. So part of me is like ‘you need to make sure you pack enough food’ and the other part is like ‘No! Don’t pack that much! You might eat it all!”. And who was buying the lowest calorie version of EVERYTHING?
Tricky. But I really really need to turn this whole thing around; my coworkers are commenting on my weight again and I fear my secret is nearly out, although some are attributing it to stress. I’m hoping against hope it will be enough to convince me to eat to maintain. The voice telling me it’s weak to eat, I’m fat, I need to lose weight, etc is so loud…. but C at work has nothing but concern in her eyes, and I know she has no reason to lie.
At any rate, i am hoping for peace, quiet, and space. It will taste so good, if it works.
The good news is the past couple of days I managed to eat my calorie goal without restricting. Monday really scared me, and even being exhausted with aching legs yesterday scared me. Others are beginning to notice my exhaustion, too, and that freaks me. So I’ve used it to shoot higher, and have gotten within 50 calories of my goal. Yay! It’s hard, but I’m hoping I can keep up momentum. Real physical signs of malnutrition showing up have historically scared me for a bit and then I’ve gotten back to food scaring me, but maybe this is a turning point as it is beginning to affect my work life badly.
I’ve been excitedly prepping, or attempting to prep, for my upcoming camping trip, aka my ‘I just need a freaking break and for everyone to leave me alone” trip. It has the potential to be an utter disaster – it’s my first solo camping trip ever – but I am hopeful I can figure things out. The biggest thing has been figuring out food that does not need to be cooked, and will not go bad, and that I will eat, to lessen the temptation to further restrict. I think I am getting places with that.
I am camping in a campground – as a woman alone it just feels safer that way, with others around. I feel like I will sleep better (and am working on how to intruder-proof my tent). But it’s a fairly rustic campground, so I’ve already got my Mountain Suds ready to shower without driving up the road. My biggest concern has been water for coffee – I could mix Starbucks Via in water, but if the nights get chilly it might be nice to have something warm to wake up to. I don’t own a camping stove, and since I don’t know if this will become a ‘thing’ I don’t want to spend lots of money on one. I’ve had the suggestion of a percolator over a fire. I was trying to sort of avoid the need for a fire as I am not particularly confident in my fire abilities – I’ve pitched a tent on my own, but not had the best fire success. But I could bring a small pan with me and attempt to heat water in that if I manage to pull off a fire. Via mixed with warm water over a fire might not be bad. And I could bring some packets of oatmeal. And if it doesn’t work, well…it doesn’t work.
Winging camping is sort of risky. I probably sound naive and crazy in the above paragraph. I am well aware this could blow up in my face, 4 hours from home. We’ll see. I won’t know unless I try, right? And try to learn from the experience. And no worries, I won’t hike alone, just sit by some streams and think and write. Well, in my best-case-scenario-fantasy I will, anyways. I leave Saturday.
That’s pretty much my life.