The truth is, I have no energy. I have not even enough to keep up with work, let alone spend any time writing anything. I used to be such a good writer, too. Now it’s all I can do to put a sentence together. My friend has really stepped up challenging the ED thinking (in a good way) and when I asked her why, she mentioned that she’s beginning to fear I’m hitting a wall physically, that I’m out of reserves and burning through critical stuff.
I have been eating a maintenance amount of calories for 2 weeks. I had hoped it would boost my energy, but it doesn’t seem to be; if anything I feel more tired and achy and wiped. I’ve tried a couple of times to eat more, as if to gain, but…it felt like giving something up. Leaving something behind. And I did it impulsively, so it felt totally unplanned and not in control. My original plan sort of fell through (the one of being with my friend the first day I did it) so it’s either wait until the next time we can get together, or do it solo. It seems kicking it off solo isn’t working. At times I think a treatment program to help me physically stabilize would be immensely helpful, but I also think it would help me hide away. Not to mention taking the time off work would be near impossible.
I’m trying to focus on the positive, that I upped my intake and seem to be doing ok with it. I began exercising half an hour 3 days a week, and compensating for the burned calories, and it does seem to be making eating easier, like moving around some means I deserve to eat. I get that it’s walking a fine line, and I have providers and friends that are freaking about it, but I do feel so long as I keep it to half an hour 3 days a week, it’s not too risky (although I do know linking ability to eat to exercise is a little twisted).
I will read other blogs soon, to catch up. I miss a sense of others who truly get it, even if it was only for a short while.
It’s a bit early for a ‘what I ate’ post, but I’ve just had an insane weekend for eating. Cinnamon rolls, and then today I made this peanut butter oatmeal smoothie (peanut butter, cocoa, oats, almond milk, and then i substituted some maple syrup for the honey, all blended with ice.) It was DIVINE, I tell you. I used to love Friendly’s peanut butter cup friend-z’s with chocolate soft serve in my dairy-eating days and this hearkened back a bit.
I’m getting ready to weight restore. Or to move towards it. I’ve been racking my brain for non-dairy ways to eat high calorie foods because the typical milkshake idea won’t work for me. I also want it to be healthy. This is relatively healthy, not too filling as an add on, and pretty darned tasty. Of course, my downstairs neighbors will hate me for the blender, but…
Other than that…life is ok. I’m beating myself up a lot, over everything. I’ve made a few legitimate mistakes that I think I deserve to be burned at the stake for. I’m nervous about going back to work this week, and I feel huge due to the food I ate this weekend (my nephew also baked a special dessert for the family, and so I had to have some of that, too, and God only knows how many calories that was. It’s been a bakery weekend). I keep having to breathe myseldf through it. Just keep breathing.
I had other fun photos to show, but they’re on my ipod and it’s in my car. But the short version is I sat here, and I ate a lot of baked beans, pita, peanut butter and bread, luna bars, nuts, and….oatmeal! cooked over my own campfire!
Then, I had my adorable-yet-handful-nephews come to stay, and we made homemade cinnamon rolls, and I had one yesterday and one today. So it’s been a rockin week for recovery, tackling scary foods (baked beans, cinnamon rolls) and today eating without too much fear! It’s also been not a rockin week for sleep and energy, hence the radio silence. But I’ll take it.
Will check blogs soon, hopefully tomorrow, hopefully after solid sleep.