Long time, no type.
The truth is, I have no energy. I have not even enough to keep up with work, let alone spend any time writing anything. I used to be such a good writer, too. Now it’s all I can do to put a sentence together. My friend has really stepped up challenging the ED thinking (in a good way) and when I asked her why, she mentioned that she’s beginning to fear I’m hitting a wall physically, that I’m out of reserves and burning through critical stuff.
I have been eating a maintenance amount of calories for 2 weeks. I had hoped it would boost my energy, but it doesn’t seem to be; if anything I feel more tired and achy and wiped. I’ve tried a couple of times to eat more, as if to gain, but…it felt like giving something up. Leaving something behind. And I did it impulsively, so it felt totally unplanned and not in control. My original plan sort of fell through (the one of being with my friend the first day I did it) so it’s either wait until the next time we can get together, or do it solo. It seems kicking it off solo isn’t working. At times I think a treatment program to help me physically stabilize would be immensely helpful, but I also think it would help me hide away. Not to mention taking the time off work would be near impossible.
I’m trying to focus on the positive, that I upped my intake and seem to be doing ok with it. I began exercising half an hour 3 days a week, and compensating for the burned calories, and it does seem to be making eating easier, like moving around some means I deserve to eat. I get that it’s walking a fine line, and I have providers and friends that are freaking about it, but I do feel so long as I keep it to half an hour 3 days a week, it’s not too risky (although I do know linking ability to eat to exercise is a little twisted).
I will read other blogs soon, to catch up. I miss a sense of others who truly get it, even if it was only for a short while.