Long time.

A very, very long time – and oh so much life has happened since then.

Where I am now: I have managed to gain some of the weight back due to a variety of factors. I have a much better support system. But I still struggle with ED thoughts, and to a less extent behaviors. Definitely still a high level of anxiety. I am doing meals on my own for the most part, and having a meal plan to follow (and accountability) has really helped me to eat more, but I still get so neurotic and scared at times and it’s such a hard battle to fight day after day. I did begin to slip back recently, and some friends caught on and urged me back to a dietitian – so at least there is some help there, but still it’s hard. I also have quite a hard time not exercising.

So progress, I guess, but still very much coping with fear foods and grocery shopping meltdowns and obsessing and temptation to restrict and to lose.

 

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Hiatus

Long time, no type.

The truth is, I have no energy. I have not even enough to keep up with work, let alone spend any time writing anything. I used to be such a good writer, too. Now it’s all I can do to put a sentence together. My friend has really stepped up challenging the ED thinking (in a good way) and when I asked her why, she mentioned that she’s beginning to fear I’m hitting a wall physically, that I’m out of reserves and burning through critical stuff.

I have been eating a maintenance amount of calories for 2 weeks. I had hoped it would boost my energy, but it doesn’t seem to be; if anything I feel more tired and achy and wiped. I’ve tried a couple of times to eat more, as if to gain, but…it felt like giving something up. Leaving something behind. And I did it impulsively, so it felt totally unplanned and not in control. My original plan sort of fell through (the one of being with my friend the first day I did it) so it’s either wait until the next time we can get together, or do it solo. It seems kicking it off solo isn’t working. At times I think a treatment program to help me physically stabilize would be immensely helpful, but I also think it would help me hide away. Not to mention taking the time off work would be near impossible.

I’m trying to focus on the positive, that I upped my intake and seem to be doing ok with it. I began exercising half an hour 3 days a week, and compensating for the burned calories, and it does seem to be making eating easier, like moving around some means I deserve to eat. I get that it’s walking a fine line, and I have providers and friends that are freaking about it, but I do feel so long as I keep it to half an hour 3 days a week, it’s not too risky (although I do know linking ability to eat to exercise is a little twisted).

I will read other blogs soon, to catch up. I miss a sense of others who truly get it, even if it was only for a short while.

Smoothie!

It’s a bit early for a ‘what I ate’ post, but I’ve just had an insane weekend for eating. Cinnamon rolls, and then today I made this peanut butter oatmeal smoothie (peanut butter, cocoa, oats, almond milk, and then i substituted some maple syrup for the honey, all blended with ice.) It was DIVINE, I tell you. I used to love Friendly’s peanut butter cup friend-z’s with chocolate soft serve in my dairy-eating days and this hearkened back a bit.

I’m getting ready to weight restore. Or to move towards it. I’ve been racking my brain for non-dairy ways to eat high calorie foods because the typical milkshake idea won’t work for me. I also want it to be healthy. This is relatively healthy, not too filling as an add on, and pretty darned tasty. Of course, my downstairs neighbors will hate me for the blender, but…

Other than that…life is ok. I’m beating myself up a lot, over everything. I’ve made a few legitimate mistakes that I think I deserve to be burned at the stake for. I’m nervous about going back to work this week, and I feel huge due to the food I ate this weekend (my nephew also baked a special dessert for the family, and so I had to have some of that, too, and God only knows how many calories that was. It’s been a bakery weekend). I keep having to breathe myseldf through it. Just keep breathing.

And Friday, if I am brave, bumping up my intake.

Radio Silence

This week I spent a lot of time sitting here.

I had other fun photos to show, but they’re on my ipod and it’s in my car. But the short version is  I sat here, and I ate a lot of baked beans, pita, peanut butter and bread, luna bars, nuts, and….oatmeal! cooked over my own campfire!

Then, I had my adorable-yet-handful-nephews come to stay, and we made homemade cinnamon rolls, and I had one yesterday and one today. So it’s been a rockin week for recovery, tackling scary foods (baked beans, cinnamon rolls) and today eating without too much fear! It’s also been not a rockin week for sleep and energy, hence the radio silence. But I’ll take it.

Will check blogs soon, hopefully tomorrow, hopefully after solid sleep.

Creative eating

Trying to plan food for a camping trip when you have an eating disorder and half of your safe foods are cooked and vegetable….and you won’t have refrigeration and you doubt your ability to create a fire….is challenging. Especially because the eating disorder has been winning in a huge way this week and I really want to turn that around. So part of me is like ‘you need to make sure you pack enough food’ and the other part is like ‘No! Don’t pack that much! You might eat it all!”. And who was buying the lowest calorie version of EVERYTHING?

Tricky. But I really really need to turn this whole thing around; my coworkers are commenting on my weight again and I fear my secret is nearly out, although some are attributing it to stress. I’m hoping against hope it will be enough to convince me to eat to maintain. The voice telling me it’s weak to eat, I’m fat, I need to lose weight, etc is so loud…. but C at work has nothing but concern in her eyes, and I know she has no reason to lie.

At any rate, i am hoping for peace, quiet, and space. It will taste so good, if it works.

Hormones

The PMS monster has raised its ugly head and now NOTHING tastes right and I just want to throw food across the room. Trying to work on eating something, but seriously in want-to-rip-off-heads mode and the idea of eating makes me want to freak. Crazy day. I know I need to make myself eat, but today it is just really hard. Will take effort.

Progress and Fun (Crazy?) Plans

The good news is the past couple of days I managed to eat my calorie goal without restricting. Monday really scared me, and even being exhausted with aching legs yesterday scared me. Others are beginning to notice my exhaustion, too, and that freaks me. So I’ve used it to shoot higher, and have gotten within 50 calories of my goal. Yay! It’s hard, but I’m hoping I can keep up momentum. Real physical signs of malnutrition showing up have historically scared me for a bit and then I’ve gotten back to food scaring me, but maybe this is a turning point as it is beginning to affect my work life badly.

I’ve been excitedly prepping, or attempting to prep, for my upcoming camping trip, aka my ‘I just need a freaking break and for everyone to leave me alone” trip. It has the potential to be an utter disaster – it’s my first solo camping trip ever – but I am hopeful I can figure things out. The biggest thing has been figuring out food that does not need to be cooked, and will not go bad, and that I will eat, to lessen the temptation to further restrict. I think I am getting places with that.

I am camping in a campground – as a woman alone it just feels safer that way, with others around. I feel like I will sleep better (and am working on how to intruder-proof my tent). But it’s a fairly rustic campground, so I’ve already got my Mountain Suds ready to shower without driving up the road. My biggest concern has been water for coffee – I could mix Starbucks Via in water, but if the nights get chilly it might be nice to have something warm to wake up to. I don’t own a camping stove, and since I don’t know if this will become a ‘thing’ I don’t want to spend lots of money on one. I’ve had the suggestion of a percolator over a fire. I was trying to sort of avoid the need for a fire as I am not particularly confident in my fire abilities – I’ve pitched a tent on my own, but not had the best fire success. But I could bring a small pan with me and attempt to heat water in that if I manage to pull off a fire. Via mixed with warm water over a fire might not be bad. And I could bring some packets of oatmeal. And if it doesn’t work, well…it doesn’t work.

Winging camping is sort of risky. I probably sound naive and crazy in the above paragraph. I am well aware this could blow up in my face, 4 hours from home. We’ll see. I won’t know unless I try, right? And try to learn from the experience. And no worries, I won’t hike alone, just sit by some streams and think and write. Well, in my best-case-scenario-fantasy I will, anyways. I leave Saturday.

That’s pretty much my life.